This article was written by a guest blogger who is a very bad, cynical man and does not necessarily represent the views of YPT.life.
Expat life in China can be a bit like a daytime soap opera: occasionally strange, often melodramatic and more incestuous than a Targaryen-Lannister orgy. It attracts a certain breed of weirdo and turns hitherto normal folk batshit insane if they stay for long enough. Having lived in China for a while I’ve run across all sorts, so here’s a quick rundown of some of the expats you’re likely to meet if you spend long enough here:
Jidan John, master of zhongwen
Jidan is super advanced Chinese for ‘egg’, and Jidan John takes after his namesake: white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and a total twat. That last part of the analogy got away from me a bit.
Jidan John is easily spotted by his preference for traditional Chinese garb, greasy unwashed hair, and pompous pronouncements about how he’s the only person who really gets Chinese archaeological dig sites. He speaks amazing Chinese (sometimes as high as HSK2) and never passes up an opportunity to make sure everyone knows it. In extreme cases he will air-draw tones to make sure Chinese people fully comprehend the awesome extent of his zhongwen (Chinese for Chinese) knowledges.
Jidan John’s knowledge of Chinese culture is so all-encompassing that he actually has to explain Chinese culture to Chinese people. The locals are always grateful for an opportunity to be educated on the subject of their own history and language, possibly because there’s no good translation for White Saviour Complex.
Sarah the Spurned, haranguer of Chinese girls
Sarah the Spurned has been in China for 1-2 years, and will not last much longer. The reason for this is that all Chinese women are evil man-stealing sluts, and she will never understand what these guys see in the skinny little bitches anyway.
Sarah’s slide into full-blown hatred began after she slept with a local expat fuckboy who never called her back, only to be sighted in multiple bars with a Chinese girl hanging on his every word. After a couple more false starts, Sarah will come to the logical conclusion that all Chinese girls are evil whores who tempt Western men with their impeccable hair and tiny hotpants.
At her nadir, Sarah will while away the wee hours downing mojitos at expat bars and pulling her eyes into slits whilst chanting ‘ching chong’ at local girls.
Paedo Steve, unconvicted sex offender
Steve knows a lot about ages of consent in Asia. Steve knows too much about ages of consent in Asia. Steve sports a thinning head of hair, jam-jar glasses and a smile oilier than your last hot pot shit.
Ironically for someone who loves children so much, Steve doesn’t get along with them so well. He resolutely avoids high-fives and spends about half an hour too long on choral drilling.
Steve is in China on a fake degree and an unearned sense of superiority. His complete lack of social skills only serves him ill with fellow foreigners, as the locals are unable to pick up on the red flags Steve radiates with every utterance.
It goes without saying that Steve should never, ever be left unsupervised with, well, anybody.
Eagle-eye Eddie, shredder of the acoustic
Eagle-eye Eddie has spotted the hostel guitar, and he’s on that shit like Steve on toddlers. Eddie’s been to fifteen cities this year alone, and once he’s got done with his soulful version of Save Tonight or whatever fucking Ed Sheeran song is popular this week, he’ll tell you all about it. Eddie knows the best places to get 5-kuai chaomian in every major Chinese city and hasn’t eaten McDonald’s in over eight years.
Eddie has long hair, either dreadlocked or tied into a ponytail, and is good-looking enough to slay expat women on the reg despite the fact that they’re gonna be fucking in a 12-person dorm.
Eddie’s got no fucking time for Hilton poseurs or people who have to take guided tours, man – he takes care of that shit himself. Eddie will haggle over a 7-kuai chocolate bar and is not above stealing half-drunk beers from the hostel if it means he saves 20 kuai.
Alkie Alex, imbiber of baijiu
Alex came to China in August 2007 and got married in October 2007. Alex came to regret this decision very quickly, but his wife locked that shit in and had the baby the following year. When Alex is not teaching TEFL he’s finding reasons to avoid his wife, child and in-laws by mainlining baijiu at the local BBQ. He’s buzzed by 9pm and wrecked come 11pm, but he still goes for another two hours until he’s moving like a defective Roomba.
Alex is easily noted for his premature crows’ feet, burst-capillary nose and sizeable beer gut. When drunk he will ramble ad nauseam about why Chinese people are such cunts.
Dorky Dan, slayer of Chinese girls
When Dan isn’t DM’ing the local expat D&D group, he’s nailing Chinese girls. He avoids such technicalities as ‘relationships’ and ‘dumping’ by never actually confirming that he’s in a relationship, and is a master of ghosting bewildered former virgins.
A quintessential NiceGuy back in his home country, Dan is adept at taking advantage of cultural differences to hide the fact he’s a manipulative douchenozzle.
Dan’s inappropriate jokes and social awkwardness mean that he doesn’t get along so well with other expats, but this is lost on the IELTS 2.5 girls he pursues. Dan speaks decent Chinese, and 90% of it goes towards getting in girls’ pants.
Dan’s chief dating app of choice is TanTan, as Tinder has too many white girls.
Alan Smithee has lived in China for more than ten years and is simultaneously a Jidan John, Alkie Alex and Dorky Dan.